As I speak with more and more of people directly about their dating lives and the challenges they face, the more I see consistencies that are more widespread than most probably realize. Whatever it is that you’re facing – know that you’re not alone.
But, comfort and reassurance doesn’t solve problems. Real, actionable insight does. So here are five methods that I believe can make positive changes in your life today, if you choose to implement them. (These will be part of the structure in my 8-week Limitless Love Life course).
Adjust your mindset.
As simple as it sounds, one of the biggest things holding people back from finding love is the belief that it actually exists. They have been unappreciated or dumped or cheated on, and they find it hard to imagine anyone who doesn’t act insincerely.
It’s easy to see that this can lead to a cycle of disappointment, because a person who approaches dating from this perspective will never give it their full effort, since they just assume they’re going to be hurt in the end, anyway.
It may be simple, but I’m not saying it’s easy. However, understanding that each new person you meet comes with a completely new set of circumstances and has nothing to do with a previous ex, will help you start fresh and see them for who they really are, not who you assume they’re going to be.
Revamp your online dating profile.
Let’s be honest about this – when you’re on a dating app or website, you essentially become a product. You are a smart, desirable, driven, ambitious human being who has a genuine heart and wants to care for someone – yet, why can’t you seem to attract someone who’s the same?
Like any product, marketing is key. Expressing yourself in a way that truly showcases your best qualities and most of all – the qualities you want to attract in a partner.
Too many people talk about what they don’t want in their profile. By the time you’re done reading, it sounds like you’re about to date a drill sergeant who’s just going to be breathing down your neck constantly, and nobody wants that.
This is your chance to make a striking first impression using creative, fun photos (that really look like you), and a witty bio that grabs attention as the man or woman of your dreams is mindlessly swiping through what seems to be an endless sea of hiking photos.
Ask your friends what you’re doing wrong.
That’s right. I said it. And, this is a tough one – understandably.
Many times we don’t get real, helpful advice from our friends. “Just be yourself, the right person will come along when you least expect it.”
Bullshit! Utter bullshit! Life isn’t a Michael Buble music video where you meet the man or woman of your dreams while dancing on shelves in a grocery store. If something isn’t working for you, then you need to put the emotion aside for a moment and get real, honest, direct advice about what can be improved upon.
The people who know you best are the most likely to sugar-coat their advice, but they’re also the most likely to secretly know what’s probably pushing men or women away. Send them an email asking them to be blunt and honest. Yes, I said email, because it’s easier to express these criticisms if you’re not staring each other in the eyeballs.
That’s right, GOALS. When people ask me if relationships should just develop organically, I always ask them how that’s going so far. In every area of life, we define what we want and set a goal for ourselves. We do this in fitness, in our careers, even in our recreational hobbies. So, why don’t we do it for dating?
How many people are you going to talk to this week? In the coffee shop – in the grocery store – at the art class you’re taking? 3? 5? 10? Set a recurring goal for how many new people you take the initiative on starting conversations with, and watch how opportunities begin to explode for you.
Define what you want – and establish a plan to get it.
Define your wants vs. your needs.
Speaking of what you want, this is an important one. I had a client tell me once that she refuses to date a guy who’s under 6’2″. After we really started talking about it, I took a wild guess that she wasn’t really looking for someone who was a certain height, what she really wanted was the emotional and physical feeling of safety and security that came along with someone who’s got a certain stature.
Want: A big dude.
Need: Emotional safety.
Once we really define why it is that we want what we want, it makes it much easier to actually find it because the sources for it can be different. But, if we hang on too long to what we think the reality is, we will never actually figure out the truth.