Perhaps one of life’s most universal truths is that you cannot pour water out of an empty cup. Both literal and metaphorical – reminiscent of ‘you can’t get blood from a stone.’
In other words, you simply cannot get something that isn’t there. It’s like trying to pay a bill when you’ve got a bank account balance of $0.00.
Yet, we seem to ignore this truth when it comes to dating. Similarly to these examples, if someone does not have love for themselves, how can you expect to find any within them that’s reserved for you?
I am certainly not talking about the type of ‘self love’ where you recite your affection for yourself into the mirror every morning – that, to me, is manufactured and overcompensating for a lack of real true confidence.
I personally view self-love (as ‘buzzwordy’ as it sounds) as a certain calm contentment. A fulfillment that you carry with you in daily life. The ability to feel whole and happy without relying on external sources.
External sources like your house, or your car, or your condo in the city, or your fancy watch, or your Louboutins.
Or, your relationship.
Yet – so many of us try to be ‘fixers.’ We think we can be the one to finally make someone who’s lost see the light. Finally we can be the one who leads them to the surface. Who helps them discover themselves and finally pursue their passions to live a life of meaning.
Here’s the harsh truth: You just cannot.
You simply cannot bridge the gap between someone’s current reality, and their future potential. If they require your presence in their life in order for this to happen, then their actions will not be genuine and will likely be short-lived. And, if you do not end up being compatible, the situation will be more hurtful for you both in the long run – as you will be left emotionally exhausted, and they will be left right back where they started.
The only time two people can come together to form a mutually fulfilling and satisfying relationship, is when those two people are fulfilled and satisfied in their life before they come together.
Otherwise, the person who is lacking their happiness will put all of the pressure on you to create it. You will become the very source of their happiness. Their fulfillment. Their purpose in life. It is one thing to be deeply desired and wanted by someone – but it is a whole other thing to carry the pressure of being the very foundation of their existence. That is not a recipe for a healthy, mature relationship. That is a house of cards.
Do I mean that you need to be well-established professionally, free of worry or concern, and have no personal challenges in order to enter a relationship?
Of. Course. Not.
But, if you feel happy in your life, and thus feel the need to try to help someone else be happy in theirs by fixing or pulling them to the surface, you are more likely to find yourself being anchored down with them.
Remember that you are deserving of someone who has put the same work into themselves as you have. You are deserving of someone who will match your efforts – someone who will swim out and meet you in the depths of love. Someone who is complete all on their own.
You don’t need to complete each other – you will build a complete relationship when you are both complete on your own.